Jules Rules

HK and I went to Naples, Fl. to visit my parents for xmas. Something about 85-degree weather and palm trees just doesn’t support the holiday feeling, but being with family is important, so we made the 10-hour drive, pups in tow, for our “merry ho-ho”.

So while we were there, we figured we’d check-out the Everglades,around the Ten-Thousand Islands area. Not one for guided tours, we rented a tandem kayak (arthritis in my shoulders has been a huge issue this year).  We packed our little cooler and caught the shuttle for the put-in. Within 5 minutes, we spotted our first alligator. Laying on the banks about 15 feet from our ‘yak, it looked huge.  The next one was even bigger. They seemed to grow larger the further we paddled. I realized that I am not nearly as brave as I think I am. Every time HK would paddle closer, I wielded my weapon (paddle ) in the air, ready to ward off the prehistoric monsters.

We paddled through long “mangrove tunnels”, so narrow that it wasn’t possible to properly stroke, and we disconnnected our paddles into singles, like a regular canoe paddle. Then we ended up sort of pulling ourselves along by grabbing the roots of the trees overhead and pushing off. At one point, I was trying to push our ‘yak off of a tree, and the tip of my paddle got stuck between the roots, and the handle slipped out of my grip and landed squarely across HK’s face. I could tell by the sharp “slap” that it had made direct contact with bare flesh.

mangrove tunnel

“What the Fu*k??????? ” I think that he initially thought that a giant python had come out of a tree for a strike. Realizing it was “only” my paddle, the sting was a little lessened, and we continued on through the swamps.  : 0

For a while, we just let the wind and current determine our course. We sat back, enjoyed a couple of cold ones, and watched life happen all around us.  As we drifted, we made a note of the many bird species we glimpsed, including  Great Blue Herons, Snowy Egrets, Ospreys and Anhingas.  It was invigorating and tranquil all at once.  After a couple of hours, it hit me.  I had to pee.  Bad.  Looking around, all I could imagine was losing my left ass-cheek to a hungry gator, or worse, so I held tight.   Hmmmm… maybe those “cold ones” weren’t the brightest idea.

As we paddled back upstream, the gators seemed a littl less threatening, the birds a little less threatened, and we agreed that this day in the Everglades was exactly what was needed to recoup and regroup after a hectic month of festivities.

While in my car one day this past summer, i heard that “Million Dollar Password” was auditioning potential contestants for the show (they needed some token southerners), so i put on my cutest, and headed to the try outs. The process took all day, I kid you not, and we had to play a fake round, pass a written test, and, above all, SHOW ENTHUSIAM!!!!!!!!! Well, for those of you who know me, i got LOTS of enthusiam and energy, so honey, i poured it on! Well, turns out they loved me, and i made the short list, 2 rounds of cuts  and  a day later.  I figured I was a shoe-in, so i did as told and waited for the call, that was supposed to come within days to fly out to LA and be on TV! With Regis Philbun! Finally-my big break.

MILLION DOLLAR PASSWORD

So i waited.  And waited.  Still waiting! Turns out the show took an unexpected hiatus and was off until last night! Damn! I shoulda been on that show!  I figure they’re waiting for the best celebraties to come on (you play with a famous person) to put me on, but they better hurry it up. I’ll keep you posted. Believe me, if I get on that show, you’ll know about it! Oh, and keep your fingers crossed for me, please!

I confess. I did the unthinkable today. I went to the MALL, against all my better judgement. I immediately regretted it, and am spanking myself. (ouch)  Here are some observations that I took away from the experience:

• 9 out of 10 people parked in handicapped spaces are just lazy.
• A Bluetooth is not a fashion accessory.
• Neither is a gold tooth.
• Unless you live in Atlantic City, a nylon sweatsuit is NOT acceptable attire.
• Those leggings don’t work with your fur-lined parka.
• I really don’t give a shit what Patrick said to you, or what you said back. Neither does anybody else in the checkout line.
• Didn’t I see you an hour ago having the same conversation on your cell?
• XXL is NOT the new size medium.
• I’m just spending $6.00, so, no, I don’t want to open a charge account and save 10%. Thank you, tho.
• When there are more than 3 of you in a row, could you please let me pass?
• PLEASE don’t text and walk.
• PLEASE PLEASE hang up before you start backing out of the parking lot!
• OH NO YOU DID-INT!!!  Please get a giftcard for an easy return of  that santa sweater!
• No, I already have 17 different flavors of perfume on me–all unsolicited–so I DON”T want to try Brittany’s new  scent “skank”.
• Girl, you coulda got that WAAAYYY cheaper at TJMaxx!!

I’d love to hear your observations from holiday shopping trips. I’m sure that no matter where you live, you’ll have some entertaining thoughts to share!

HELL at the mall

Roxie and Kizzy love the holidays. They love sniffing under the tree for any new addition, hoping they might find one of their gifts. Kiz has a habit of dragging small packages out and trying to open them, which would surely be annoying if it weren’t so danm cute!  So i wrapped a couple of rawhide bones up and hid them, and within 5 minutes, kiz found one and was working on it.  “oh, noooooo, kizzy, that’s for christmas!”  i’d guilt him, setting it neatly back under the tree.

where's our gift?

The game is always the same, he waits til i leave the room, then goes back under, “huting” for the goods. Roxie watches from a safe distance, only making her move when kiz get distracted.  It’s like a standoff at the Christmas tree, and i could watch them forever. Sooner of later, H.K. comes in and starts howling, and i join in, then both dogs, and we all sit on the floor with our snouts in the air, singing carols. I, too, love the holidays and these family rituals we share!

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In my last blog, I mentioned Prop 8, and a friend (NOT gay–gasp!) sent along this great video to share with you, dear readers.  It has a blockbuster cast, including Jack Black (who plays Jesus), Neil Patrick Harris, John C. Reilly and more!

Prop 8 Funnyordie

So have a look, and enjoy! I love  getting emails like this, so please send ’em on!

Prop 8-The Musical

Sean Penn as Harvey Milk

Last nite H.K.(that’s short for Honeykins) and  I saw Milk. It’s the movie about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official in California.  Sean Penn plays the lead, and nailed it, from what i’ve read.  The director, Gus Van Sant, had the near impossible task of casting for it, as there were really no openly gay actors that fit the role. But, once again, Sean Penn rose to the occasion. I LOVE LOVE him! He had me at Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and I’ve been a devoted fan ever since.

The movie is so good, it had me all caught up in the gay rights movement in San Francisco in the 70’s. I am an admitted fag-hag, and I felt like I wanted to actually BE a gay man for a couple of hours last night.  I loved the brotherhood and shared support for a cause that the movie portrayed.  It’s rare to be so passionate about a cause as Milk was, and he never let up, he fought for equal treatment right up until he was assasinated.  His life changed history, and his courage changed lives.

Jeff had to “shush” me several times, I was getting so wrapped up in the scenes. It’s a damn shame that very few theatres in the US are showing it, (too controversial has been a prime reason).  Damn shame, too, that Proposition 8 in California passed,denying same-sex couples the right to marry. Two steps forward, one step back. 

Take a bunch of steps forward and get yourself to the theatre to see one of, if not THE, best movie of the year!

OOOOOHHHH–just got out of a great movie–MILK–see my post tomorrow–but then drove downtown, not far, maybe 5 minutes, to see the x-mas lights at centeniel park, and happened upom all the FOOTBALL fans coming out of the SEC game–GO GATORS!!!!

SO honeykins & I drove around the ATL and did the gator “chop-chop” to everybody we saw (doors locked) and laughed at the poor old alabama fans (sorry lippy) and had a blast.  we took the dogs with us, and kiz had the best tine barking at the enemy!

addicted to facebook

My name is Jules, and I am (deep breath, pause…) a facebook addict.

All together now–” Hi, Jules!!”

This is so hard for me to admit. I just never thought it could happen to ME! I’ve heard people talk about how great it was, how it freed them of inhibitions, but it never really interested me. Friends had even tried to tempt me with weaker stuff in the past-myspace. I glanced, just a bunch of kids in sexually suggestive poses–not for me, thanks.

But then this past Sunday nite, I got a message in my inbox that “Morgan has invited you to be his friend on facebook.” I clicked. Oh, bad move, Jules. That’s like flicking the BIC-the start of a downward spiral. I soon learned that I couldn’t communicate w/ Morgan unless I joined. So I did. It was so easy. Too easy. Next came (more…)

Heifer international

Ok, so we’ve just returned from thanksgiving in Ky. and as usual were presented with the “wish-lists” of nieces and nephews. Chanel boots, Prada bags, Tiffany jewelry–this shit’s CRAZY, man!  Every year it’s the same song and dance–“what can I get xxxx?”

This year, it’s gonna be different. I will make gift donations in peoples names. I know it sounds boring, but the majority of people that we are obligated to “buy for” have all they want and more. Here are some of my favorite charities:

Best Friends Animal Society,   The Wilderness Society ,   Sierra Club,  Humane Society,    Heifer International

Heifer allows you to purchase a gift of a cow, sheep, chickens, honeybees, etc (or a share in one) to help sustain a community. It teaches self-reliance following the reasoning that it’s better to teach a man to fish than to buy him a fish that will feed him just once. The animals multiply, produce milk, eggs, pull plows, and continue to improve life to those in need. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

These are just a few of the many wonderful charitable organizations out there. So if you’re thinking about getting me another bathrobe for Christmas, skip it. I’ll take a llama.